My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
