Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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