Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
