Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
