I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
