2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
