I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
