Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
