I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
