update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
