He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
