Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
