I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Enjoy the penises
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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