My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
