My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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