I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
