Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
