my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
someone threw a dead crab at me
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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