your parents love me but you hate me
there's paper in my vomit.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
