i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
