I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
