he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
