Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
