just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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