I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
