either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
