Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
