i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
