Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
