I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
no, he came in my armpit
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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