Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
