never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
