She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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