He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
