you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
