Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
