Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
