1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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