im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
