I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
