how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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