i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
