i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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