Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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