he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
