I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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