She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
