Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
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