i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You need Xanax blowdarts
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
