Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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