I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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