guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
