went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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