If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
