you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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