My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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